Whoever gets to love you…
And then sometimes it’s nice to have a reminder that you’re just as human as everyone else. That you’re allowed to mess up sometimes, that you’re allowed to not be the epitome of perfection in this life, that you’re allowed to just breathe out and let go for a while. It’s tricky to love people like that — always expecting your love to be enough and it never is. It never is.
A friend I have lost touch with over the years said to me, ‘Whoever gets to love you, will be the most fortunate amongst the fortunate who walk under any sky with anyone, or even alone.’ I screenshotted and saved it knowing that I’d have to come back to this someday, knowing that I’d need that reminder someday, knowing I’d need to know someone somewhere has always thought of me to be worthy of all the love I’ve ever received and all the love I hope to receive in return of all I give out. It’s not until today that I realize that it’s not a reminder but a testament to being human only. We don’t need reminders, we need reassurance. We don’t need reminders; we need someone to prove them right.
I have lost count of the number of times I have fallen to the floor in front of whichever God hears me in the middle of the night — in gratitude and with my heart in my hands. I have been loved in ways I never thought were possible, in ways I never recognized, and in ways, I never even knew. I have been loved by people openly for the world to see, I have been loved silently and without a word’s confession. Gratitude finds a nook in your day, every single day when you’re blessed like that.
Other times, I have lost count of the number of times I have fallen to the floor crying in front of the same God that scoops up all my gratitude. With a heart that’s been battered by grief and bruised more by people who have loved me than people who haven’t, I have asked God to harden me but he hasn’t. He says this heart, as soft as it is, you’ll take to your grave and a mark will be left when you do. I ask him to let it happen soon. I ask him to never let it happen.
